Live imperfectly with great delight: MindOverHeart

A couple of weeks ago I got to thinking about something my therapist said to me when I first met her. (I no longer go, that's a whole other story) Anyways I was explaining what happened to bestest and Adam and she stopped me in the middle and asked me if I realized I was talking about them in present tense. I didn't realize it but I also didn't see anything wrong with it. She explained that might be why I'm kind of stuck in this in between stage of grieving. First of all I believe after something tragic happens such as death there is no right way to grieve, no time limit on where you should be in the process (one of the reasons I stopped seeing her). She said that in my mind I know what happened and that they are not hear and that's why I am able to talk about the story of how they passed. But in my heart I don't even except it. She said in my heart I still think of them as alive which is why I talk about them in the present and why my emotions don't take over me when talking about them.

GREAT! Maybe it's just me but I would love to always be able to think of someone as still here with me and not burst into tears every time I talk about them. Maybe it's not healthy in some peoples eyes. But what is healthy? What is the correct way to cope with the death of a loved one? 2 loved ones? back to back? News Flash: THERE IS NO CORRECT WAY.! so I guess now you can kinda figure out why I stopped seeing her. Don't get me wrong she was super sweet and I guess I'm just not up for the whole "I can feel them in the room right now as your talking about them", No you can't because bestest would probably slap me and tell me to stop wasting money on you. But that's me. I know a lot of people who Therapy has helped and done a great deal of good for them.

One thing she also said to me is I like to do things on my own or in my own way. Very true, which should have been a red flag that I wasn't going to want her help.

In my mind I can remember everything that happened. But in my heart it never did. Both of their phone numbers are still in my phone. I finally stopped texting bestest when someone else replied. (That was a weird moment). But I can't find myself to look at picture and just start crying. I guess to me I associate death with growing old, being sick, an accident, but not dying in your sleep when your 24 years old. There is something about that to me that I cannot grasp and probably never will and I'm perfectly OK with that. I guess where this post might be going is that don't let anyone tell you how to emotionally deal with something. Sure I had a rough time, I still am having a rough time, but I'm doing it at my own pace and I'm working through it and living through it in a way that is best for me.

I'll leave you with a few oldie but goodie pictures of bestest and I.

Bestest turns 21